Day 112

Have you ever felt completely inadequate or unprepared? I have been feeling that way lately a lot! Especially when looking toward the future.

I think it stems from the fact that I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. It is hard to feel prepared for something that you can’t see.

It’s like in a horror movie; okay it’s not really like that at all but just bare with me for the explanation. In horror movies, the girl always goes into the dark room with a baseball bat. Like a baseball bat is going to protect her from the full-grown man inevitably hiding behind the door.

I don’t actually ever watch horror movies because they scare me to death, but you get the point. It is hard to go into something when you can’t see what that something is. Even worse, I don’t know how to prepare for what I can’t see coming!

I feel I have learned a lot in college and am completely satisfied with my education. That isn’t what I’m talking about here. It is that feeling of going out and getting a job, doing who knows what, and being expected to know what I’m doing right away and do it well.

Picture of a path in Nottingham England. This is what I picture when I think of a journey.

There is always a learning curve, I know this, but sometimes I just wish I could be completely competent and proficient and, well, perfect right off the bat.

I think I feel this way with God sometimes too. I have been a Christian for so long, since I was four, and I have always tried to live my life for Him. But sometimes I wish I was way further along in my walk than I am.  I wish I never struggled with things and wish I just trusted God all the time for everything, which I don’t if you couldn’t tell by the earlier contents of this post.

This is really cliché, just warning you, but I get so caught up in the end result that I forget to enjoy the journey. Instead of enjoying the step-by-step, day-to-day stuff, I focus far too much on the future and forget to “walk the walk.”

I forget that my life, and especially my relationship with God, is a process to savor. It is like any other love relationship; it is the spending time together that is important.

“And this is eternal life: [it means] to know (to perceive, recognize, become acquainted with, and understand) You, the only true and real God, and [likewise] to know Him, Jesus [as the] Christ (the Anointed One, the Messiah), Whom You have sent.”

John 17:3 (Amplified)

It is about knowing God, or getting to know Him, through building a relationship. Like I said, I get in such a hurry, mostly because I am prideful and don’t want to be wrong or mess up, that I miss the learning part.

It’s the same with my job/career, which I obviously don’t have yet, so I’m speaking about worrying about this for the future. (An entirely different subject, which I will have to save for another day.) I get so stuck in needing to be perfect and do everything right, that I forget it is okay to take time to learn what I need to learn. And what better time to do that then right now, in college? I did come here to learn, didn’t I?

This week as I have been worrying about my future and my ability to accomplish things I don’t feel capable of – I am repenting of this attitude by the way – God has been reminding me of a verse. It is one I learned when I was very little from a sing-a-long Bible verse video.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

First of all I like to take pictures of my feet, but secondly I'm on a journey, step-by-step. And p.s. notice the Chaco tan!

And I can do all things. I can figure out what God wants me to do with my life or even just my summer or my next year. I can actually do that thing, whatever it is. I can grow in my relationship with the Lord. How? It isn’t me.

I say “I” can do these things, but the thing about that Philippians verse is that I can’t do it. I can’t do anything without Him. He is the one who makes the things that to me seem impossible, possible. I wouldn’t be able to do it without Him, but boy do I try. And when I try, I feel even more incapable.

So life lesson here: I can do all things when, and only when, I let God do them through me.

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About Rachel Ross

I am a college student facing the last semester of college before I am thrust, unwillingly and fairly unprepared, into the real world. View all posts by Rachel Ross

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